If you’ve ever tried online dating you’ll be familiar with the dating headlines girls use to attract a man.  Some of them are cliché, others merely hide their thinly veiled motivations for dating.

Enclosed are the most common Dating Headlines and either what they are code for, or what thoughts went through my head as I read them.

Enjoy!

• Love my nieces – Something is wrong with me, I’ve not dated in 3 years, but I still love kids, so I’ve latched on to my family’s.
• I’m a Nanny — Someone has a family without any nieces or nephews.
• Looking for a new adventure / Looking for something new – Faux optimism; because when you think about it, narrowly getting away from a Texas Chainsaw massacre is a new adventure and / or something new.
• Looking for new friends – Won’t admit to dating.
• I’m just me – Hitler said that too.
• Looking  – Thanks, you are after all on a dating profile.
• Just looking / Just Browsing – When you’re shopping, don’t you say “just looking” to the clerk when you just don’t want to be bothered?
• Just a simple girl – Sounds like someone who is either not confident or appearing to be meek so as to attract attention.
• What’s new in St Lou?  – Not only does the rhyme bother me, but it screams “shut-in”.
• Here we go again – Oh goodie, someone who hates dating and wants to let you know she hates dating.  Red Alert: she wants to find someone.
• I’m the total package – Great.  So when is the package that includes your tattoo removal kit going to arrive?
• One of these days I’ll find it.  – Well, you’re either one of those girls who demands perfection, in which case, no thank you, or you’re a sadist who hasn’t found a dysfunctional-enough relationship.  Again, no thank you.
• Third Time’s a Charm – Oh good, so I can look forward to being compared to two other people right off the bat.
• Real – Good, I hate those make-believe girls.
• Down to earth, drama free. – Just like an Apollo 11 astronaut.  Or an earthworm.
• Trying to figure it out.  Eh, ok, appreciate your honesty.  I just hope you’re not referring to your recent sex change.
• Live, laugh, love. – Really?  Next thing you’ll be telling me is to dance like no one’s watching.
• Dance Like No One’s Watching – Ah, shit.
• Looking for a Good man – Like ‘nice’, this is just non-specific, ‘I don’t know what kind of guy I like’.  This tells me our entire dating future will be: what are you in the mood for?  — Oh you know, whatever.
• Here I am – Unless you’re naked and you’re saying this as your bathrobe hits the floor, you sound pretentious.
• Hoping to find one guy that’s not shallow. – God, it’s just so sexy when you stare at me with your arms folded while you tap your foot.
• Wanted: One Good Man – Just how many evil guys have you dated to make you this jaded?  And what kind of evil are we talking about?  Puppy stranglers, horse rapists, come on, help me see where you fall on the continuum.
• Beautiful Soul – Sounds like you have a ghost-fetish.  Who you gonna call?
• Is there anyone out there looking for the one?  — Not anymore.
• Looking for Intelligence – Allow me to introduce you to the amoeba.
• Someone to chill with – Trying to sound relaxed while simultaneously saying this isn’t really a date.  Guys don’t get your hopes up with this one.
• Looking for something real – This again?  Maybe put down the Oreos, hit a gym, and stop fantasizing what life could be like if you could just tame Vince Vaughn.
• Fun loving – Rabid wolverines are often fun-loving too.  It’s all about perspective.
• Looking at Options – Ok.  Full disclosure: I don’t come with undercoating nor do I have leather seats.
• Beautiful lady for that certain someone.  – Shouldn’t I be the one making the judgment call on the beautiful part — because right now, I’ve got some doubts in that department.  And certain someone?  How about another adjective other than certain?
• Who’s out there? – Holding a baseball bat while you’re in your bathrobe…not the best way to meet guys.
• No games. – Oh Boggle, you sunk my battleship!
• Loves someone who loves to laugh. – So Jack Nicholson, or Heath Ledger?
• Looking for him. – Thank God that was a lowercase h.  Seriously, that’s your only requirement: that he’s the right pronoun?
• Let’s take it slow. – N          I          C            E              T         O                M            E            E           T         Y                 O                U.
• Getting back out there. – You’re dating, not crossing frontier America.
• Faithful & True – And yet she’s a cat person.
• Introverted gamer girl. – Yeah, we get it, you’re trying to attract a nerd.  But can you really pass the endurance test of being ignored for 3 weeks because I’m playing a new expansion pack of D&D?
• I’m a caring women.  – Who doesn’t know shit about grammar or spell-check.
• Any honest men left? – There’s no good answer to this one.  If I say yes, you won’t believe me, and if I say no, I’ll crush your spirit.
• Honesty is key – Great, because I’m not loving those earrings.
• Looking for my prince charming – Really?  Why is every photo of you in a bar then?  Except for that mirror shot where you’re making the duck face.
• Single and ready to mingle.  – It’s true because it rhymes.
• Looking for my best friend. – He went that way.
• Grown-ups only and please no liars.  – For those of you who are tired of dating relaxed optimistic, happy go-lucky girls.
• Looking for the man I’m going to marry.  – You’re understandably disappointed, I know, it’s just not many first dates end with the expectation of getting an engagement ring.
• Looking for a gd man – Maybe the issue is you’re not even putting forth the effort to finish spelling the word ‘good’.  Or maybe you’re saying you’re looking for a God Damn man.  In which case, definitely no thank you.
• If you don’t like me, sorry / f*you / too bad – There’s nothing sexier than a woman who feels entitled to never be wrong.
• Someone to go out with and have fun – Since “someone to go out with and have fun” is the very definition of dating, and this is a dating site, I’m assuming you’ve had no luck finding someone and this is a statement more along the lines of: “Oh my God, I just want someone to just freaking say hi to me”.
• Shy but easily breaks out of my shell. – Just like Jeffrey Dahmer.
• Is that you Superman? – I’m confused, does that mean you’re Lois Lane or Kryptonite?  Because if you think about it, they’re both annoying in their own way.
• Waiting to be swept off my feet. – Wow, you really want me to do everything don’t you?
• Looking for that special someone.  – Again, Hitler was a special someone.  Aren’t you wishing you had asked for a good man now?
• Hi there, cutie pie!  – Suddenly I’m in a diner in the South, ordering a cup of coffee.
• Hola, let’s chat.  – Even if you do speak Spanish, which I doubt, you’re not winning me over with Spanglish.  And please for the love of God, don’t call me mi papi.
• Love to start my day with a good workout. 😉 – Well some girls want a nice old-fashioned gentleman.  You went the other direction, didn’t you?
• Searching For Mr. Right, Not Mr. Right Now – I get it.  You want a nice guy, take it slow, become friends, eventually meet the family, sleep in separate rooms, expect your chair pulled out for you.  Yeah, that seems like a lot of work.
• Plain Jane – You got that right.
• Ready for the Real Thang – Wow, your mastery of Southern colloquialisms has won my heart.
• Drama free since 2003 – So you’re like New & Improved Woolite then.  Still, I suspect it’s easier to change the label than actually do the work and improve the formula.
• A tattooed redhead might be in your future – I’m pretty sure you’re wrong about that.
• Sugar & Spice & Everything Nice. – Bringing up a children’s nursery rhyme I’m pretty sure curls up my puppy dog’s tail.
• Should I, shouldn’t I? / Yes, no, maybe so?   — You like to express your inner monologue don’t you?
• Hanging out – Yeah and the first thing I’m going to do is check to see if they are.
• I’m a great catch.  — As chief of the boat, I’m the one who gets to be the judge of that.
• Looking for me? — Is that ‘Desperation’ you’re wearing?
• Single and Loving it.  — Sorry, it was funnier when Don Adams said it.
• Must believe in happiness.  — Believe?  I mean I don’t go to a church or anything…
• Looking for something amazing. — Check out sub-reddit’s WTF section.  I’m sure it won’t take you long.
• Tired of Mr. Right Now — I’m a reformed slut and I want to get married!
• A little bit of heaven, with a wild side — So much for that reformed slut business.  Steer into the skid is what I always say.
• Looking for an honest and sincere guy.  — Ok.  But I don’t wear pants and I’m pretty sure I won’t like your friends.
• I hate liars! – Ok, first it’s hard for me not to laugh because your Southern accent makes it sound like you say “I hate layers”.  Second, really?  This is what you’re opening with?  You’re not even trying are you?
• Start my New Year off right. – Dude, it’s June.
• Shallow people miss out on amazing people — Cindy, this fortune cookie would like totally make an amazing dating headline.
• Never know whatcha might find — Yeah, I’m pretty sure nothing good ever followed that sentence.
• Any Godly men out there?  — Well, if you think about it, a Satanist also believes in God.
• Looking for my ??? — What?  Your hair scrunchy?  Because I got like thirty of ‘em from past girlfriends.  Under the couch, by the bed, around the door handle, they’re always losing the things.
• Tired of trying. – And it shows!
• Everything happens for a reason.  — Quick, what’s your thoughts on cholera?
• Seeking kind, confident, sports guy. — Sorry, the sports thing negates the other 2 adjectives.
• This is what awesome looks like. — Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m going to need to find a new word to replace what  ‘awesome’ used to mean.
• No.  — Go ahead.  Impress me, you son of a bitch.
• Looking for my king.  — Jeffrey Hunter, King of Kings is probably your man.
• Word to your mother.  — I think you’re looking for Oedipus, he’s just down the hall.
• Living life on the edge.  — Explains why your pictures are of you in the driver’s seat with cars whizzing past.
• Unbreakable.  — Trying to stay on the bull is not the best imagery for your dating match.
• Looking for my partner in crime. — Look I’m sorry, I was trying to avoid getting shot, you’re right, I should have opened the door to the get-away car for you.
• I’m looking to meet new people. — If this is the height of your conversation skills, this is going to be one long god damn dinner date.
• I want those butterfly feelings — Put the lotion in the basket…
• I want someone to go OUT — Ten years of dating Boo Radley, she finally snapped.
• Not a fan of making headlines. — Yeah, probably not a fan of college, going to museums, or having engaging discussions either.
• Haay — Ok, seriously?  You’re going to impress me by frakking up a simple 3 letter word.  Pass.
• Que sera, sera.  — Unless you’re Doris Day, and the version of Doris Day before she became a recluse with 60 cats, please just don’t.
• BOOOM!  — Yeah, I’m afraid I’m going to see this written on my toilet paper like Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon 2.
• Keep me in mind. — Note to self – need Men in Black, flashy thing.
• The biggest bitch you’ll ever meet.  — Wow, ‘ppreciate your honesty there.
• She shoots, she scores…—Awe, buzzer.  Too bad.
• I think I’m just about done with this site. — They usually wait until you’re dead before they declare you a martyr don’t they?
• Tag, you’re it!  — Sorry, you look like you have cooties. Seriously.
• Take a peek. / Look and see.  — Okay, but isn’t that more like the third date?
• Looking to start a new chapter?  — Oh man, am in a book AGAIN?
• What’s on your mind fellas? — If history is any guide, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know.
• True love stories never have an ending.  — You’re going to be with me forever.  Get used to it.  Now bring momma a sandwich.
• Cowboy, take me away.  — Ok, first it’s “Calgon take me away” and I’m pretty sure you’re too young for that reference.  Second, is there a whole town of rootin’ tootin’ cowpokes you’re trying to russle?
• Lookin’ for my prince.  — Machiavelli, line 1.
• Not just another pretty face.  — Sorry, you have to actually be pretty for that work.
• You must be at least 6’ to ride this ride. — Porn stars, stand up.
• I’m not one in a million, I’m one in a lifetime.  — I’m pretty sure I’ve said this about all the things I regretted.
• I’m super average! – Not just average.  Super average.  And how does that work again?
• Live up to one’s possibilities.  — We haven’t even started dating and already you’re nagging me.
• Let us help each other get off this site. —  Guys, you ended the sentence at the third to last word too, didn’t you?
• The cure for 1984 is 1776. — Oh shit, a revolutionary.  Let’s see, yep, you’re a fan of Sarah Palin.
• Dancing partner. — This is going to be a regular thing isn’t it?  Go see if Fred Estaire wants to settle down, I want a Netflix, couch, and pizza partner.
• Good things come to those who wait.  — And while you’re waiting, she’s asking if you want to make some mistakes with her instead.
• Ready, set, go. — Shit, no told me there was going to be running.
• I earned these curves.  — Look, I’ve got breasts; it’s the only thing I’ve got going for me so look.  LOOOOK, damn it.
• Rock my world until the sunlight. — I’m sorry, I’m just not getting your message.
• Shit happens.  — Wow.  How’s that for the title of your latest romantic comedy?
• BBW — So, I’m going to initial here, and sign down here, and initial here once more — ok, I acknowledge you have some weight.  Okay.
• I am who I am.  – Right, but Am I who am I?
• Cheers to new beginnings. — Toasts are lame and so are people who think toasts are cool.
• Trying something new — I know, you’re trying to make online dating sound like it’s fun and an adventure instead of a lame cry for help.
• On the hunt.  — First, I’m checking to see if you have an Adam’s apple and second is predator-prey really the best metaphor for dating?
• Looking for “the one” — I just knew it was him by the way his eyes looked up at me and he made the cutest little noise; he tried to cuddle with me right away.
• One last shot. — Before what?  And is this something I should take note of?  Because this doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well for me.
• Read my profile before messaging me.  – In fact, memorize it, you bastard.  Because there’s going to be a quiz.  And if I see you checking me out, trying to peek at the answers, oh there will be hell to pay mister.
• You never know till you ask. — Hey great, can you like lend me $20, I’d like to ask out the blonde 3 rows down.
• We’ll say we met in the grocery store.  — So we’re going to lie about how we met on online?  I gotta say you’re already coming off shallow and unable to handle adversity.
• Curiosity often leads to trouble.  — Well thank God we’re in a place where curiosity isn’t prevalent.
• Sweetheart.  — Is this an adjective for you, or are you already giving me a pet name?
• Just be respectful.  — Don’t you mean: “sigh… just be respectful”.
• Looking for that someone.  — Wasn’t that the plot of Christopher Nolan’s “Memento”?
• Might be deactivating soon. — Quick, act now; if you call within the next 2 hours you get a free football phone.  Seriously though, call me.
• Let me adore you.  — And I will hug him, and pet him, and I will name him George.
• Looking for someone genuine. — I’m pretty sure a jerk is still genuine.
• Someone I click with. — Yeah, I see what you did there.  Click.  Because this is online dating and….oh forget it.
• Seeking someone outside the norm.  — Freaks.  You like freaks.  Are we talking about people who eat their own hair, refuse to walk on their feet, serial killers, help me pinpoint what you’re after.
• Looking for a wonderful man. — Sorry, I’m pretty sure you’re going to be disappointed no matter who you date.
• Look no further. — I’m assuming I’m supposed to be zeroing in on something positive here.
• It’s always a good time.  — The kind of girl who says shit like “beer o’clock”.
• Not sure what I want.  — Come back when you do; even then, eh.
• Who me?  — Something you might say after being selected to participate in the Price of Right; this also implies you’re some kind of prize.
• Looking for God to send me Mr. Right — Maybe he’s sending you a guy to test your adversity, ever think of that?
• Why not me?  — I feel a feeling that’s going to be pretty obvious after I read your dating profile.
• Looking for something fun…if more happens, that’s great.  — The kind of girl who dates her male-roommate, strings him along, and then when his heart is just about to hold on its last hope, she announces her engagement to some other guy.
• Looking for somebody, not just anybody. — Don’t you just love a girl who announces she has veto power and isn’t afraid to use it?
• Must love dogs. — She likes Korean guys.
• I’m right here, where are you? — Watching from a distance to see if that needy wears off.
• Back on the scene. — Like a Law & Order detective.
• Southern gentleman only — If she could just turn Truman Capote.
• Feelin’ way too damn good. — To date you.
• New to this site. — I get it, you want to seem like the new girl, not jaded, innocent, eager, naive, walk into the club and every head turns.  Keep dreamin’, you’re like page 3, row 10.
• Holding out for fireworks. — Obviously I’m competing with some vision of the perfect guy you have in your head.
• Teacher. — Not quite “librarian”, but go on…
• Looking for someone to laugh and grow with. — So you want a wisecracking acorn then?
• Yep…I’m awesome. — No you’re not.
• I want my happily ever after — Then take the red pill; personally I want someone who can handle a crisis.
• Tired of kissing frogs — Imagine how the frog feels.
• Want to date someone new — Because I’m tired of this old bastard.
• Ready to settle down. — Here, try some ritalin.
• Ready to meet a fun man. — Be warned, clowns cry on the inside.
• You’ll have to take a chance. — Don’t worry, I will, but it won’t be with you.
• Good things come in small packages. — So do bad things.
• Blondes / Brunettes / Redheads have more fun. — And how exactly does this apply to you and me?
• OMG Fakes!  — We get it, you’re jaded, there are some pervs and jerks out there but let’s try and make this a fun place huh?
• Don’t be scared. — What have you done in your life that makes you feel you have to announce this?
• Newly single. — Hurry guys, I’m a rebound.
• Won’t settle for less than amazing.  — Right back at you.
• I’m not really a princess. — No kidding.
• You’re only a stalked if you’re ugly. — The voice of experience.
• I do not bite. — Comforting but like a hissing cobra, I’m still going to go in this other direction.
• Never judge a book by its cover — Which is why I also read your dating profile and still decided to pass.
• What happened to chivalry? — Gunpowder and the Black Plague.
• I’m looking for a stable healthy man — On life support.
• Don’t worry, be happy. — Relax, don’t do it.
• Here we are.  — And already we have nothing to talk about.
• So bored. — Maybe that’s not my fault.
• There’s no crying in baseball. — Ok, I get the League of Their Own reference, but beyond that, just what are you saying?
• Tired of the same old shit.  — Because picking the same old shit, was somehow the guy’s fault.
• Looking for your Angel on Earth? — If you can pull it off, sure.
• Impatiently waiting. — A great candidate for speed dating.
• Livin MY life. — Sounds like you’re ready to have a relationship.
• When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. — Which is why I’m making that sour face while I’m reading your profile.  Seriously, you’re telling me if I choose you, I have to make the best of a bad situation?
• Looking for a different brand of guy. — One cowboy scientist who wears an ascot, coming up.
• Giving up. — Thank God, now we can see who won the pool.
• I stay juicy. — Eeew.
• God’s property. — Explains the No Trespassing shirt.
• Soon my Knight will come.  — Says the girl who looks more like Lancelot than Guenevere.
• It only takes one. — To what?
• I’m more than just a picture. — Sounds like you’re trying to either upset or calm down a stoner.
• Single Mom looking for a relationship. — “We’re all ready to photoshop you into all our pictures.”  Instant family: just add water.
• Looking for my other half.  — Other half of what?  That corpse in your basement?
• Are you a jerk?  — There’s no good way to answer this question.
• Must have teeth. — Sounds like someone has some stories.
• All work and no play — Just so I’m clear, where exactly do I fit into this division of labor?
• Please leave the BS at the door. — My, aren’t you delightful?
• One last shot, what the heck?  — Right, everyone bet on Secretariat before she’s glue.
• Looking for a partner, not a player. — This is going to be one dull double’s tennis match.

And these dating headlines I actually did enjoy:

• Let’s get to know each other.
• You make life what it is, so be happy.
• Hey, been trying to meet you.
• Add to Cart.