Monthly Archives: September 2015

September 29, 2015

Reasons why the fictional Die Hard reboot I made up sucked

diehardThe fictional Die Hard reboot I made up sucked.  Here’s why:

  • PG-13, really?
  • The director insisted he was going back to basics and use practical effects.  Too much CGI.
  • The terrorist incident happened in a building in Dubai.  Who gives a shit about Dubai?  This isn’t Mission: Impossible.
  • Why was McClane even in Dubai?  The original film put his family in jeopardy — this had none of that.  I’m just watching a cop do his job, I guess.
  • For some reason, making McClane a 9/11 first responder bugged me.
  • Cowboy was his nickname in college — of course it was.
  • Started the movie with the terrorists already in the building.
  • 90 minutes long.
  • Shithead is the edgiest you’re going to get.
  • Oh look he just shot Mr. Nakatomi.  Nice call back.
  • Did you blow all your budget on the Elon Musk cameo?
  • The guy playing McClane talks really soft, I don’t buy his wisecracking at all — and well he’s just a terrible actor.
  • Why would this building in Dubai be celebrating American fourth of July?
  • Only one character throughout the whole movie was interesting, and it wasn’t any of the main characters.
  • One really interesting scene between McClane and who I thought was going to be the sidekick.  Goes nowhere.
  • Just because we needed a German terrorist didn’t mean you had to hire Christoph Waltz.  And you couldn’t even keep Hanz, you had to go with Franz.
  • Everyone is a fan of McClane and he hasn’t done shit.
  • The audience cheered when the pregnant lady kneed Franz in the groin — are people really this starved to make this a good movie?
  • Yeah he’s climbing around in a ventilator shaft — oh he’s out already, did he just need to get to the other side of that wall, because there was an open door in the scene right before.
  • Okay using the broom to clean the floor of glass was kind of clever but it went on for too long.
  • Just because you were in Game of Thrones doesn’t automatically make you a good villain.
  • They robbed a bank, but they’re stealing nuclear codes to bribe…wait, what?
  • McClane is not drunk, down on his luck, embraces technology, and he seemed to know the terrorists were coming — so how’s this the analog guy with the rotten streak of wrong place, wrong time?
  • The terrorists use cell phone jammers so they can use radios?  Huh?
  • I don’t care about any of these people.
  • Danny Elfman is not Michael Kamen.  Soundtrack is just noise and forgettable.
  • Remember when McClane was beaten, afraid, and running on pure adrenaline — man I miss that. This guy is just a video game avatar.
  • It’s not the FBI this time, it’s the military — short of using R. Lee Ermey, this couldn’t be more stereotypical — and why is the American military even involved?
  • Did they just really add a fart joke?  Are you kidding me?
  • Movie is almost over and he’s got a torn shirt and like 3 scratches.  Where’s the blood?
  • Now it’s McClane saying the quarterback is toast — because we have to make sure the terrorists have no personality.
  • All this build-up and all he does is walk up and shoots the main bad guy in the head?  I don’t even get a Yippee Kai Ay? WTF?
  • The movie ends with McClane feeding a squirrel in the park?  I don’t even have the words.
  • This whole movie felt like Jurassic Park 3.  Bland, rushed, and pointless.
  • People cheered at the end credits.  Did we just watch two different movies?
September 18, 2015

Steven Moffat’s Secret to Writing Doctor Who

Villains who remind you of cemetery statues

Doctor sacrifices himself; hides a way to resurrect himself within his own eulogy.

Let’s kill off the companion’s husband but bring him back.

Christmas special that’s like A Christmas Carol but let’s kill off the Scrooge character’s girlfriend.

Doctor faces his mortality and cheats it at the end.

That was a lot of fun the first time, let’s kill off the companion’s husband but bring him back.  Maybe we can kill off their baby, no that’s a little harsh but I still like that — maybe we’ll make it plastic or something.

Christmas special that’s like Narnia but let’s kill off the Mom’s husband.  Cheats it at the end, because Christmas.

Let’s kill Hitler —- hm….I’ll figure something out.

Doctor loses his best friends in a cemetery.

Doctor’s secret around his new companion is that she keeps dying.

Doctor has to find his own grave.

Gallifrey cheats death.

Doctor has to face his own death…again.  We’ll make him age this time but still cheat it at the end.

Doctor’s new companion falls in love with a guy who we’ll kill off.  We’ll work in cadavers. Let’s also have the finale in a mortuary and a cemetery. We’ll kill someone else off and maybe someone else we can have cheat death.

Christmas special that’s around Santa Claus but let’s call it Last Christmas so we drive home the death thing.  If Clara decides to stick around for series 9, we’ll have a death scene but she’ll cheat it.

Something around the Doctor’s Last Will and Testament.

Let’s bring someone back so we can have someone cheat death.

Maybe we’ll actually kill someone this season and we can throw an easter egg into the eulogy.

 

 

September 5, 2015

He’s Here Somewhere…

waldo