The fictional Die Hard reboot I made up sucked.  Here’s why:

• PG-13, really?
• The director insisted he was going back to basics and use practical effects.  Too much CGI.
• The terrorist incident happened in a building in Dubai.  Who gives a shit about Dubai?  This isn’t Mission: Impossible.
• Why was McClane even in Dubai?  The original film put his family in jeopardy — this had none of that.  I’m just watching a cop do his job, I guess.
• For some reason, making McClane a 9/11 first responder bugged me.
• Cowboy was his nickname in college — of course it was.
• Started the movie with the terrorists already in the building.
• 90 minutes long.
• Shithead is the edgiest you’re going to get.
• Oh look he just shot Mr. Nakatomi.  Nice call back.
• Did you blow all your budget on the Elon Musk cameo?
• The guy playing McClane talks really soft, I don’t buy his wisecracking at all — and well he’s just a terrible actor.
• Why would this building in Dubai be celebrating American fourth of July?
• Only one character throughout the whole movie was interesting, and it wasn’t any of the main characters.
• One really interesting scene between McClane and who I thought was going to be the sidekick.  Goes nowhere.
• Just because we needed a German terrorist didn’t mean you had to hire Christoph Waltz.  And you couldn’t even keep Hanz, you had to go with Franz.
• Everyone is a fan of McClane and he hasn’t done shit.
• The audience cheered when the pregnant lady kneed Franz in the groin — are people really this starved to make this a good movie?
• Yeah he’s climbing around in a ventilator shaft — oh he’s out already, did he just need to get to the other side of that wall, because there was an open door in the scene right before.
• Okay using the broom to clean the floor of glass was kind of clever but it went on for too long.
• Just because you were in Game of Thrones doesn’t automatically make you a good villain.
• They robbed a bank, but they’re stealing nuclear codes to bribe…wait, what?
• McClane is not drunk, down on his luck, embraces technology, and he seemed to know the terrorists were coming — so how’s this the analog guy with the rotten streak of wrong place, wrong time?
• The terrorists use cell phone jammers so they can use radios?  Huh?
• I don’t care about any of these people.
• Danny Elfman is not Michael Kamen.  Soundtrack is just noise and forgettable.
• Remember when McClane was beaten, afraid, and running on pure adrenaline — man I miss that. This guy is just a video game avatar.
• It’s not the FBI this time, it’s the military — short of using R. Lee Ermey, this couldn’t be more stereotypical — and why is the American military even involved?
• Did they just really add a fart joke?  Are you kidding me?
• Movie is almost over and he’s got a torn shirt and like 3 scratches.  Where’s the blood?
• Now it’s McClane saying the quarterback is toast — because we have to make sure the terrorists have no personality.
• All this build-up and all he does is walk up and shoots the main bad guy in the head?  I don’t even get a Yippee Kai Ay? WTF?
• The movie ends with McClane feeding a squirrel in the park?  I don’t even have the words.
• This whole movie felt like Jurassic Park 3.  Bland, rushed, and pointless.
• People cheered at the end credits.  Did we just watch two different movies?