Photo courtesy of xlurbanmedia.com

I’ve been watching St Louis meteorologists for years.  Rarely do I watch one of their news segments without getting verbally agitated by some of their glib, insensitive nonsense.  I’ve compiled a list of the biggest complaints I have.  If anyone, particularly our esteemed weather watchers, would like to comment, please do and I’ll give you top-billing.

1) What the hell is a normal temperature? In my lifetime, I’ve seen routine snows in Missouri to almost none at all. I’ve seen summers that didn’t start until late June to summers with temperatures that could melt your face off. To be glib, the earth was once covered in lava, and on the side of the coin, ice. (So much for temperature averages).  We routinely see magnetic reversal of the poles, and I fully expect Mother Earth to adapt with hotter summers or colder winters, or vice-versa, depending on where you live in the world. I might point out that there hasn’t been a normal temperature since 19-freaking-70. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/21/us-temperature-trends_n_2735036.html So why do you guys labor us with this normal weather crap? Speaking of…

2) If it’s not 70 degrees in St Louis, the weather is crap. We’re told this over and over again.  Do you guys know or have any idea how unbelievably depressing this is? I happen to love summer. Humidity, bring it on. That means a car ride with the windows down, fan in the window, driving to the country to look at the stars at night and if it gets too hot, swim in the pool or go to the lake or the river. But if I turn on the news to see if it’s going to rain, you know what I hear? Over and over and over and over again, all summer long, this: “Tune in when Keith Goodhair gives his forecast to find out when we’re finally going to get a break from all this heat”. O-M-G! I just want to drive to the studio and strangle someone. Same thing with the fall. We had a massive drought over the summer and we never heard the end of how hot it was and how badly we needed rain. We finally got some moisture in the early fall, 3 days straight of rain, were you guys happy?…no. Someone said: “Looks like Thursday will be the day all this rain finally moves out of the area and we get a beautiful day of 73″. You guys are never happy. Ever. Do you know that a bad mood is infectious? And it seems the only time I ever hear anything positive from St Louis meteorologists is if we’re somehow in that magic number of 70 degrees. It sucks.

3) No mention of global warming. Is this a news-station politics thing? Is it you want to keep people happy but if you mention that the weather overall is getting warmer, well you’ve alienated the side of the audience that doesn’t believe in this wacky science thing? That’s kind of a strange position for a scientist to take. I hate to say, but positive ideas start with science and with education.

4) What the hell is this trend in meteorologists taking credit for the nice days in St Louis? Just once, I want to hear someone turn to the anchor after the bounce, correct them and say “look, yesterday’s nice weather wasn’t me, I just report this”.

5) I know Saint Louis is the home of Anheuser-Busch but….stop saying “on tap”. “Looks like we’ve got another nice day on tap for you…”

6) Do you know I don’t care about fronts and dew points, and just want to know the forecast? 2 minutes, I’m good. Yes, I have an iPad, a laptop, and a desktop computer — and I’ve checked the weather online since there’s been an Internet. I’m just saying — isn’t it time we all grow out of this habit? I mean, if I wanted to know any of this stuff, I’d you know, check the Internet or become a meteorologist, or something in between. And while we’re on the subject….

7) Tornado Warnings. Look, I know this is your time to shine, but come on! You guys say it over and over, people’s lives are at stake. But — Instead of warning people to ‘put down your stuff and go to the basement NOW’ —- instead of doing that the majority of the time, you know what I hear more of? ‘Let’s go to the Doppler’, let’s explain the Doppler, let’s look at the lightning locator, hey look, this looks like there’s some rotation in this cell, that could be the beginnings of a supercell or a possible tornado — never mind that town it’s hovering over, we want to educate you, fellow citizen, about why I became a meteorologist. It’s even worse when there are two or more meteorologists talking among each other and each one trying to out-perform the other. Never mind, that the reason I’m watching is to see if there’s going to be a tornado in my living room. It’s unbelievable and it happens EVERY. SINGLE. STORM. STOP IT! For the love of God, don’t you understand this isn’t about you or your degree or trying to educate whatever the hell it is you want to show off regarding the fancy equipment you have access to — this is the time to tell people, MOVE. And speaking of people versus the news crew….

8) Heat-Related Deaths. As soon as we approach 100 degree temperatures, the St Louis news studio collectively rubs their palms together and just waits for one of those old senior citizens to fry in their one-bedroom apartment without any A/C. It’s unbelievably morbid! Hundreds of normal people die in the city every day, the one that makes the news is the old guy that the news team can use to make an example of. I understand you want to raise awareness, but why does there have to be a human death attached to the news story in order to raise that awareness? It bothers me. A LOT.

9)   On a normal clear and sunny day you only need one weatherman to report the forecast.  When a severe storm threatens the area, why do we suddenly a team of alleged professionals, all contributing and squabbling on air vying for air-time?  This screams grandstanding, which becomes all too clear when the next day and all of the following week the promos run: “Wednesday severe storms rolled through the area and your News Team was there” (images of meteorologists nodding and looking at computer screens, pointing at storm cells) — never mind the fact the whole time they were describing rotation and fronts and not adequately informing the public of the useful fact there’s a tornado heading for your town in 3 minutes.  It’s a storm assholes, not a chance to win an Emmy.